Cobol - OT Humor - "You might be an <IBM> mainframer if... :-) V3.8"

Author

OT Humor - "You might be an <IBM> mainframer if... :-) V3.8"

William M. Klein

2005-08-09, 9:59 pm

Humor from the IBM-MAIN list. Please note that I *know* it assumes the "IBM"
mainframe (probably MVS, OS/390, z/OS) environment, but given its origin, I
haven't bothered to edit it (beyond changing the subject line)

--
Bill Klein
wmklein <at> ix.netcom.com

> When someone mentions green card, you don't think of immigration
> You understand the significance of version 3.8
> You think of DASD not DISK
> You know what a disk pack is
> When someone mentions RENT you don't think of housing expense
> You know that WAD has nothing to do with gum
> You think that fixed font, green on black is an ideal programming environment
> You know where "pluckin' and shuckin'" really came from (and wish you didn't)
> You know that the head of string is not an HR position
> You think of DASD when someone mentions string
> You don't trust any machine you can lift or step over
> You remember when your computer had an air bag in it (and a compressor to
> inflate it)
> You understand how a computer can work better with 30 gallons of water in it
> You know that a functional recovery routine is not physical therapy
> You know what load unit dials are, and how to use them
> You know why BALR 14,14 works like it does
> You don't consider channels something on TV or part of a product
> distribution system
> You remember punched cards and why they were called unit records
> You know what a drum card is
> You know that a DASD FARM isn't where little DASDs grow
> You know CORE is in an apple.. mainframes use monolithic memory these days
> You DO know what CORE memory was
> You understand why 31bit addressing and not 32bit
> You know that DEBE does everything but eat
> You spell "kicks" CICS
> You can make a sentence out of all acronyms, and your peers will understand
> it perfectly
> Your computer has always been made up of multiple processors
> You can recite at least three meanings for the ISC acronym
> You remember having to press REQUEST on the console
> You know the keystroke for EOB (Alt + 5)
> You know domains were something that Amdahl invented
> You know that REUS is not waste recycling
> You know that a Coupling Facility has nothing to do with the railroad
> You know that a control register has nothing to do with Point Of Sale
> When someone says prism, you're not thinking of light diffraction
> If someone mentions a "pizza oven" you don't immediately think of food
> You know the difference between UNI, MP, AP, and SMP
> You think of availability in terms of end user access to applications, not
> just recovering to the C:> prompt
> You consider most horizontal scaling clustering to just be wanna-be's
> You remember HIPO and know that it's not a zoo animal
> You know why you can't pop address plugs across strings
> You know why blue cables and not grey
> You know what CUU means
> You know what DISOSS is and it doesn't scare you
> You don't have to be told when to press the Enter key
> You don't spend hours looking for the "ANY" key
> You know who "the BUNCH" were (Burroughs, Univac, NCR, CDC and Honeywell)
> You know that SPOOL is an acronym (Simultaneous Peripheral Operations Online)
> You don't think that address space is an area on an envelope
> You've successfully used PSW RESTART
> You know what Reset, Load, Rewind, Start had to do with
> You understand the benefits of connection-based communication architectures
> You know that TSO TEST could not test everthing
> You know that just because your manager wrote some code, that didn't make it
> authorized
> You know that AC(1) had nothing to do with room temperature
> You know that Carrier Sense Multiple Access / Collision Detect is how a
> token succeeds in life.
> You know the relative merits of Count Key Data and Relative Block Addressing
> You know that //EOJ is not a web address.
> You know what IEFBR14 does and how many APARs were taken on it (4)
> You now what an APAR is (Authorized Program Analysis Report)
> You know that DITTO is an acronym. For DOS, no, not that DOS, the other
> DOS. (IBM Data Interfile Transfer, Testing, and Operations Utility).
> You know that FS didn't take over from the mainframe, but became a pretty
> good System/38.
> You don't understand all the furor about security... it's a given
> You think that two computers that can't share the same data for update is
> silly and archaic
> You know what Select Out Bypass is
> You know that BUS and TAG aren't children's games
> You know that SPIE and STAE are not commands for your pet
> You know that SPIE is not espionage
> You know that FETCH Protect isn't a way to keep your dog from getting to the
> bone stash
> You think that all systems should be able to run at 100% 24x7 without having
> issues
> You know that 24x7x365 was coined by someone who didn't understand math
> You don't find 6 months of continuous up-time without having to restart the
> system as unusual
> You don't "boot" a system, you IPL it
> You don't know what throwing an exception means, but do know what an abend
> code is about
> You think that all the bits of a word should represent a numerical value the
> same way it's written... high order on the left
> You know the difference between single and multi-mode fibre cable and where
> to use which
> You can create a tape backup of something and know you can read it back on
> another machine
> You think nothing of sharing a database between transactional and batch
> work, and maintiaining response time
> Creating a 2 billion row operational, transactional database capable of
> sustaining thousands of transactions per second doesn't even warrant a
> raised eyebrow
> You can state, with accuracy, how busy your machine is
> You can tell who used what resources on your machine, and when
> Somone says "sigh" and you think SIE
> When something has a problem, you know documentation will be available to
> solve that problem
> You don't understand why other people in IT don't understand what an LPAR is
> You think that OSA isn't a Japanese word
> You understood the value of Token Ring
> You know that FDDI is just Token Ring on glass
> Your program don't track no steeenking rodent
> You logON to a system, you don't logIN
> You know how to find out what maintenance is on your system, definitively
> If someone mentions BDAM, you know they're not swearing
> You know your machine knew how to "phone home" way before E.T.
> You can find data, because you know it's pointed to by a catalog
> You know that GOO VOO is not part of a 50's "oldies" song
> You remember when computers had lots of blinking lights, and know what they
> meant
> You know what a "tape ape" is
> You can explain the phrase "no ring, no write"
> Virtualization is not a new term to you
> You actually used report writer to write a report
> You know that PTF's might come after your APAR.
> You think you can fix the jam in the MFCM
> If you remember the sequence PCP, MFT, MVT.
> If you keep a FLOWCHARTING TEMPLATE (GX20-8020-2) in your desk drawer.
> If you know that much of FORTRAN was writen in FORTRAN!!
> If you know what the BOMB is that the CE picked up from the airport (core
> memory tester- SIMM )
> If you still carry a "HEX" TI calculator
> You know how to "SUPERZAP"
> You know what MIPS originally meant, and can explain why it doesn't mean
> that today
> You know that IEF, IEB, IDC, IEA aren't names of consulting firms
> You don't think the reader is a newspaper
> You know what green-bar is
> You know that a data cell is not a jail for data... well, maybe
> You don't think about running daily anti-virus scans, and still feel safe
> You don't think of JECL as the other personality of Hyde
> You know what packed decimal means
> You can spell anything in eight characters
> To you, COND EQUAL is not ambiguous
> COND ONLY makes perfect sense
> You know that Super Zap isn't a sports drink
> You know what a VTOC is
> You expect applications that fail to "clean up" after themselves
> You know that IEHIBALL is not a computer utility
> You know that MIDAW is not a medical remidy
> Your remember MG sets and PCDUs
> You think all computers belong on a raised floor
> You've ever written a CCW string
> You know what PCI code is
> You remember belt-driven disk drives
> You know DOS runs on a S/360, not on an Intel machine
> You understand the relevance of Fredrick P. Brooks' essays
> You know that PCP is an operating system, not a recreational pharmaceutical
> You know what a puddle of oil on the floor next to your 2311 or 2314 meant
> You think of a boot as half of a pair of footgear
> You remember when your computer had an alarm bell or horn in it
> You know what happened if the printer "tape" broke.
> You know what a printer tape is
> You know what happened when you forgot to put a punch in channel 12 on above
> tape
> You know why not to put your cup of coffee (or other) on top of a 1403 printer
> You know the history of JES2 and JES3 and why you were a JES2 or JES3 bigot.
> You know that "bursting" is not an explosive result
> You know what decollating is
> You know that ASP is not a snake, and has nothing to do with the WWW
> You know that HASP isn't something to keep the barn door closed
> You know why VM programmers disliked MVS ( it had something to do with it
> being harder to spell)
> You knew what a "chad" was before the 2000 elections
> You convinced your manager that there was an op code called "Eject Chad Box"
> when said box spilled on the floor
> You know why to punch sequence numbers in a card deck
> You know what happens when someone tried to re-sequence a deck after it was
> dropped, not knowing there were several phases all having been punched with
> the same sequence numbers
> You know that command chaining was not a management technique to get more
> work out of people
> You know that POPS is neither a beverage or a frozen novelty
> You know what a TNL is and how to inser one
> You know that REXX is not your dog's name
> You named your dog REXX
> You thought nothing of running hundreds to thousands of time sharing users
> on a 1MB system
> You've replaced the typeball on a 1052 console with an APL one, just to
> freak out the operators
> You know what a rotate tape is
> You know that being disabled for interrupts is not a handicap, unless you're
> in a wait state
> You know that a DERF bit is not a spongey play toy
> Your computer has a real SILI bit
> You think of bandwidth in terms of MegaBYTES and not Megabits
> You know that OSA is not a strange Star Wars charcter trying to say something
> You've spent hours arguing with your peers about the fastest way to clear a
> register
> You know where the GVRFLB (pronounced guver-flub) is located
> You know that "The BLOB" is not a Sci-Fi monster
> You know that MAS has nothing to do with religion, or your mother
> You know that Replicate Imbed has nothing to do with sex
> You've found yourself with friends singing songs extolling MVS or JES after
> 10:30 PM in a strange city
> You really thought long and hard about naming your dog FICON
> Your vanity plate says MIPS-R-US
> A day at 90% utilization is just another (easy) day
> You think that one TCP/IP stack is just not enough
> You aspire to DIM
> COBOL is not a foreign language for you
> You know that USS reduced the void with "them"
> You know what TCO is and what to do about it
> You can chargeback
> You don't think of SPECTRA as having anything to do with early spy movies
> You remember GECOS
> You can watch the highest priority work in your system get dispatched behind
> the lowest and be way relaxed
> Your CE is a trusted professional, not a toy operating system
> You don't think twice about running OLTP and BI in the same database
> You know that RISC means Really Important Stuff is in the Compiler
> You think RISC is something to be minimized
> You know that CISC means Crazy Instruction Set Cruncher (just kidding... but
> we could start a rumor!)
> It has never even occurred to you to run just ONE application on ONE machine
> You know the difference between 3-tier logical and 3-tier physical
> application architecture
> You remember 1964 for the S/360 and not the Mustang
> You know that NIP is not racially derogatory
> You don't go to the Catalog to order items for the house
> You use version control for a list like this
> You thought that creating or reading this list was fun
>
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Pete Dashwood

2005-08-09, 9:59 pm

Good stuff, Bill.]

Brought back many happy memories...

Pete.

"William M. Klein" <wmklein@nospam.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:rMbKe.26575$%M5.7943@fe04.news.easynews.com...
> Humor from the IBM-MAIN list. Please note that I *know* it assumes the
> "IBM" mainframe (probably MVS, OS/390, z/OS) environment, but given its
> origin, I haven't bothered to edit it (beyond changing the subject line)
>
> --
> Bill Klein
> wmklein <at> ix.netcom.com
>
>
>

docdwarf@panix.com

2005-08-10, 4:59 pm

In article <rMbKe.26575$%M5.7943@fe04.news.easynews.com>,
William M. Klein <wmklein@nospam.netcom.com> wrote:

[snip]
[color=darkred]

.... and it ain't a car unless you have to get in front of it to hand-crank
it to a start, neither... an' don't git me started on what those durned
kids're callin' 'music' nowadays, neither... durned buncha noise, if you
ask me... what's that? Speak *up*, dad gum it... why's everyone just
mumblin' these days, why, when I was a lad we were taught to speak up when
we had somethin' ta say or just keep quiet... an' when did they start
printin' things so tiny, too? Ding-blinged food ain't got no taste
anymore, neither... what're they doin' to it? Why, I remember...

...... zzzzzzzzzzzz.

DD

Gerry Wolfe

2005-08-13, 9:59 pm

On Wed, 10 Aug 2005 00:21:43 GMT, "William M. Klein"
<wmklein@nospam.netcom.com> wrote:

>Humor from the IBM-MAIN list. Please note that I *know* it assumes the "IBM"
>mainframe (probably MVS, OS/390, z/OS) environment, but given its origin, I
>haven't bothered to edit it (beyond changing the subject line)

And they buried him,
Face down, 9-edge first.

Thanks, brought a smile and a tear to my eye!
rgds, g.

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